The Epic

Here’s something I wanted to post two weeks ago, but never got around to doing thanks to my incessant laziness – which, for some reason, seems to have gotten worse in the last couple of weeks. I’ve also been doing a great deal of writing out of necessity (because my English and German classes have required me to write) rather than writing for my own mild amusement (which is what I get by posting things on this blog).

Anyway, what I’m about to post is a story that was found carelessly laying on the floor or something after school a couple of Wednesdays ago during knowledge bowl practice. Now, you’ve got to expect what was found is an astonishing piece of literature, since I would naturally never post something not worth reading.

I have not changed anything the story in any way, punctuation and syntactical errors included. I believe the tale is a piece of fiction, though I suppose it being a nonfiction piece could not be ruled out. Let’s just say if this story were mine, I would be very proud of myself.

Without further to-do, I present The Epic of Thorny

Thorny son of Ramathorne, God of combat fighting, was left along when his mother was killed by a group of salvage women. Thorny was left alone in the deep rainforests of the planet Dimpus Burger. Thorny went through high school, everybody made fun of him.

“I’ll take two tacos,” said Rabbit the school bully.

“I don’t get it, tacos?” said Thorny’s best friend Mac.

“They think I’m Mexican,” replied Thorny.

So later that day Thorny walked up to Rabbit and used his amazing fighting moves and used an uppercut, and set Rabbit into oblivion. From that day on, nobody ever made fun of Thorny again. One year later Thorny graduated from high school.

Ten years past, Thorny was sitting at a baseball game, somebody sat in front of him with a huge stick of cotton candy so Thorny couldn’t see the game.

“Move that gigantic cotton candy,” yelled Thorny.

It turned out to be Lord Farva from plant Oner China. Lord Farva picked Thorny up and threw him in a little cell. Lord Farva then flew back to his home planet. They arrived at the planet; it was a big wasteland looking planet. Nothing was clean there was mutated animals and aliens. It was a big dictatorship. Thorny woke up to the sound of somebody’s voice. It was a prison guard awaking Thorny.

“What can I get you?” asked the prison guard.

“Gimme a liter of cola,” Thorny answered back.

“A what,” asked the guard.

“A liter of cola!” yelled Thorny.

Thorny received the liter of cola and chugged it down fast. Thorny then made a laser beam shooter out of the cup the cola was in. Thorny cut through the krypton covered cell bars and escaped to the locker room. He looked over and saw some clothing that was not prison clothes. A guard approached him.

“Are you armed?” asked the guard.

“No,” replied Thorny.

:”How about that little guy?” the guard said pointing at the laser.

“What that little guy, I wouldn’t worry about that little guy,” Thorny replied.

The guard let Thorny pass. Thorny would have to pass the dragon pit, the acid chugging cell, and the flaming hole of doom. Thorny reached the dragon pit. There was a massive dragon dwelling inside the pit. Thorny with his unreal fighting skills, walked up to the dragon performed a flying tornado punch and slayed the dragon. Thorny walked out of the pit and looked over to his right and saw a car with wings on it.

“That car has to be worth at least 10 million dollars,” explained Thorny to himself.

Thorny entered the car and flew over the flaming hole of doom. He saw his friend Mac on the other side of the hole.

“Mac is that you?” asked Thorny excited.

“He Thorny!” yelled Mac happily.

“I have to go to the acid chugging cell,” exclaimed Thorny to Mac.

So they both went to the chugging cell. Thorny knocked on the doors, and Rabbit answered the door.

“Rabbit, what are you doing here?” asked Thorny.

“If you don’t chug the acid before me you shall die,” explained rabbit as if mesmerized.

So he brought some bright green acid to the table they were sitting at.

“3…2…1…do it!” Mac said starting the contest.

They both started chugging the acid.

“I got Thorny ahead by a lot,” said Mac, “go Thorny I’m your Mother!”

Thorny won the contest. Rabbit let Thorny pass through the blast doors that led to Lord Farva’s Realm.

“Farva!” yelled Thorny, “I’m here to take over your throne.”

Farva approached Thorny. Thorny bravely stuck a piece of broken glass into Lord Farvas’ heart. Farva died. Thorny took over the throne. Thorny’s guards or Super Troopers as he liked to call them protected him. Thorny would live forever from the power given to him from the acid he chugged. Thorny had 75 children with his one wife Ursula. Thorny slowly took over the universe; his Super Troopers would forever protect Thorny. Thorny eventually took the whole universe. He turned it into a big Utopia where every thing and every one was perfect; there were no more wars or fighting anywhere. Thanks to Thorny.

The End